Make it work, bitches...

So, I've decided that I need to start recapping Project Runway. I mean, god knows I spend enough time watching and discussing it. Episode One was good, but nothing to write home about, so here we are with Episode 2, enigmatically titled “I Started Crying,” or something melodramatic like that.

We open with everyone back at the New Gotham building, glum after the first elimination. Well, everyone except Elisa is glum. She's “excited” to incorporate the criticism into her work. Seriously, how hippie-dippie can she possibly get? Everyone else is like bitch, please... you should have gone home. HOWEVER they're wrong because Simone's was poorly conceived and poorly constructed as opposed to simply the former.

The model selection goes surprisingly smoothly. No Zulema-esque walk-offs. A pity. And the chick with the awkward thighs is gone. Tear.

Interviews, blah blah blah. Ricky's crying again. Oh snap. The fashion icon they're designing for is Sarah Jessica Parker! And yet... they're making cheap clothes? Oh, SJP, I know that you're having trouble making Bitten look good, but making someone else design clothing for you? That's just sad.

The designers pitch for SJP. Everyone is mediocre. Chris is nervous and cries. Boo-fricking-hoo. Carmen is overly authoritative and comes across... well, like kind of a bitch. The team leaders are chosen... and it's everyone who's been a side character so far. Marion? This is the first time he's been in more than one shot! Kit? Cool, I guess... And of course, Elisa's cape slash hood and “polymorphic dress” are picked. I smell catastrophe and I love it! Wait... Sweet P the ex-biker chick and Elisa McStonerStoner? PERFECT.

Okay, construction happens, but it's not that interesting. More importantly, MARION, LOOK AT THE CAMERA. STEPHEN, STOP SQUINTING. RICKY, IF YOU CRY ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR FAVORITE PUPPY DOG.

I am sooo not thrilled by the outfits for this challenge, pre-runway show. Everything just seems so... gray. Meh. Sweet P and Elisa are... happy with their design? That's so odd. Sparks were supposed to fly! However, they haven't shown a clear shot of the outfit, so there's still hope for a train wreck.

Heidi, I love your crazy dresses, but wearing black tights under your black dress doesn't stop you from showing your black vajayjay. Sarah Jessica looks cute. Why is it that they pick lights that emphasize flyaways and staticky hair?

Runway happens... Kit and Chris are boring, if well-constructed, Jack and Ricky's is gorgeous, but again, simple... Rami and Jillian are fine, boring, whatever... Victorya and Kevin are in the top two? Huh? The proportions on their dress are fine, but the color palate is totally boring, and it's not the least bit flattering. Elisa and Sweet P really did make the best outfit. I'm not crazy about the cape, but the cut of the dress is beautiful and the colors just pop. Christian and Carmen have made something straight out of the 80s, which isn't really surprising, but I expected more from Christian. At least it's well-constructed... I guess. Ick. And Steven and Marion... wow. Total trainwreck. It's like J. Lo's poncho from the “I'm Real” video sat in a closet for years and grew a bunch of grey mold. I really hope these guys slash one of them goes home... which may be partly due to the fact that I want Christian to stay around.

Victorya WINS?!?! What is this craziness? I need to see their dress online to judge it for sure, but I am NOT pleased. It's down to Christian and Marion, the losing team leaders... and Christian is in. Whew. He's not in my top picks for this season, but I didn't want to see him go out like this. At least he has a strong viewpoint. After the shithole of a dress Marion made for the last challenge, it was just his time. Besides, how long can you expect to stay on a TV show when you're physically incapable of looking directly into the camera?

I heart you, Project Runway, but this was NOT an on week. Hopefully next week will have a little more color, a little more personality... and a little more Jack in briefs. Yum.