I never thought I could love anyone but myself...

Well, here I am again in my lovely, big, warm bed in Potomac, Maryland. I finally got those last few papers done, had a few drunken escapades with the few friends who hadn't yet returned home for the holidays, and hopped on the wonderful Orthodox Jew-run bus to DC. It's funny, much as I love the city, there's nowhere I'd rather be than home right now.

It was only on the bus ride home that I really thought about how hard this semester has been. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to get all poor-little-upper-middle-class-kid on y'all. But compared to what I've gone through in the past, this has just been a big change.

As anyone who's read this blog very long knows, seeing how I've written quite a few times about it, one of my really close friends died in a car crash this summer. It's a big deal, obviously, but it's resonated most with me simply because no one close to me has ever died before. The one dead grandfather died two years before I was born, and there really hasn't been anyone that important to me since, until now. And going to school, the negative things haven't exactly gone away. A very good friend tried to commit suicide on the night of her birthday party and spent all semester at home. My one friend from home who goes to school with me is dealing with anorexia and some major body image problems. The physical closeness I took for granted with the majority of my very best friends at school is gone, and the one friend slash hookup slash I don't know what who lives closest to me is a. fucking with my head big time and b. on coke, which I can't possibly approve of but am afraid to chastise him about too much because I'm afraid I'll lose him period.

They're not big things, they just seem to be piling up. I'd love to be able to talk about them more with the roommate slash best friend at school, but he's another problem in itself, as he's still having a really hard time coping with his father's death last May, and hasn't yet gone a month without having a night where he just breaks down and sobs into my shoulder. Which of course he has every right to do, it's just that I don't feel like I can burden him with any of my problems because he doesn't need anything else on his mind, and that sort of leaves me without a real support system, which is... well, less than ideal.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still having a great time ninety percent of the time, and I wouldn't trade my life for anything. It's just the other ten percent when I look around and see all these friends, some of the strongest people I know, just... cracking. And it makes me wonder if I'm next, and if I'd know it or see it coming.

HAH. Well, that was a downer. Would you believe that I started thinking about that just because I was reading Ender's Game on the bus? Well, I started thinking about it WHILE reading Ender's Game, I don't really remember why exactly it was. It was strange, I was running out the door to grab the bus and I just threw whatever books were within reach into my bag, and ended up bringing two of the real foundational texts of... well, my life, I suppose: Ender's Game and The Amber Spyglass.

It's not that I didn't have plenty of other things to base my worldview on, of course. But Catholic, upper-middle-class, magnet public school suburban life, for all the wonderful things it gives, doesn't exactly offer too many options. It just sort of... is. Lyra and Ender helped me see that no, actually, you don't have to go to Church every Sunday and believe what they tell you to. The way children were not only actors in the events of these worlds, but even the driving forces behind things, made me realize more than anything else that I could DO something. And especially with Philip Pullman's works... the idea that God might not be what the priests at church said he was, that he might not be all-powerful, if he existed at all! The possibilities these ideas opened up CHANGED me!

I don't mean to say that without Orson Scott Card I'd be a complacent little twat, or without Philip Pullman I'd still be a good little Catholic boy. But reading these books, that not only had complex ideologies behind them but WANTED to share these big ideas with their readers, taught me to question and test all my beliefs, to tear down some and make the ones that remained even stronger. I'm more grateful to them than they could ever know.

And with that, kiddoes, I'm hitting the sack. Peas out, kids.

It's funny how beautiful people are when they're walking out the door...

Well, it's been an interesting time since I last posted. Well, not that interesting, of course, but... I've been enjoying myself!

For one thing, I got a tattoo. I've been planning to get one for quite some time, but it took a little encouragement from the roomie to really get me out the door. He really wanted to get the tattoo that his far-too-recently deceased father had had, and so he convinced me to get mine as well. I'd been hemming and hawwing about what to get, but I finally settled on a blue rose on my hip, for a couple reasons.

a. Blue roses symbolize searching for the impossible (since no one's ever actually managed to grow one)
b. It's a somewhat vague reference to my favorite poem, "somewhere i have never travelled" by E. E. Cummings.
c. It's a somewhat less vague reference to my favorite play, The Glass Menagerie
d. It's on my hip, so it's not obvious to anyone I don't want to see it.
e. It's on my hip, so it's a great warning sign if I start getting fat, and even a reason never to get fat, so it won't get all stretched out and gross
f. Personally, I think it's kind of hot.

Anyway, I'd post pictures, but it's still not really healed, and... yeah also it's a bit awkward to have the first actual picture of me I post on here be of basically my crotch. Whatevs.

In other news, I went out on a date with one of the potential threesome boys, the one with whom I hadn't already hooked up on a previous occasion. Hahah okay, so that sounds incredibly awkward, but it was actually really nice. We got a late dinner, but ended up talking a lottt over dinner and closing out the restaurant. And then, somewhat predictably, we grabbed a bottle of wine, went back to my place, and had a nice little sleepover. No sex, just some innocent making out slash heavy petting... and then we fell asleep on each other. It was cute. And he sent me literally the most adorable Facebook message EVER this afternoon. Which, okay, sounds laughable, but whatever. I have low standards! Emotionally, that is.

I don't know, I'm in such weird headspace right now. I mean, there's the one person who from all accounts actually wants a relationship with me, which I know beyond a shadow of a doubt would be a terrible idea. And yet, if he actually fucking expressed any kind of emotion to me whatsoever, I'd probably drop everything and do whatever he wanted. Now this new one seems like a perfectly viable relationship opportunity, or at the very least someone to date casually. But even as much as we click, I'm already having second thoughts...

Whatever, I have self-destructive relationship patterns, so sue me. I feel like in Manhattan, that's par for the course. It'll be good for me, I think, to get out of the city for a month or so. I need to clear my head (and make some money, for that matter). A week in California, then a few solid weeks back at good ol' CPK will do quite a lot for my sense of perspective. Also, NO MORE HOOKING UP. Unless hot friend has time to see me before I leave... ahhh okay that's all, before I make an even bigger fool out of myself. Goodnight, y'all.

There is just one thing I need...

So Angela tagged me for this meme, which means I actually have a reason to post! Also, new developments from last weekend that... well, I don't remember, which I'm going to include in the meme! Enjoy!


1. Provide a link to the person who tagged you, and spell out the rules of the meme on your blog.

2. Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.

3. Tag seven random bloggers with this meme and post links to their blogs at the end of this post. (If you need help finding people, you can use the NaBloPoMo Randomizer)

4. Let those who have been tagged know so by leaving a comment on their blog and telling them where to find information regarding the meme they are now expected to do.


Okay, so... I'm kind of lazy, so I'm not going to be tagging anyone. Anyone who wants to do it, be my guest, you're tagged!

1. I actually didn't know that this kind of thing was pronounced "meem" until I read it on Angela's blog. That is, I knew what a "meem" was, in the conventional sense, but I never applied it to the "mimis" I saw on the internet until now. So... I'm a dumbass.
   
2. I almost had a threesome on Saturday night. And yet, I have no memory of this. What the HELL. I mean, granted, it's not that odd a thing to have happened. The two people I was reportedly making out with on the dance floor are both very attractive, and I've already hooked up with one of them before. However, I have absolutely no memory of ANYTHING like this happening that night, and those bitches didn't even tell me about it the next morning! The only reason I even found out now is because a girl who I also apparently made out with has STREP, so the friend who hosted the party IMed me to inform me that I may have it as well, and happened to mention that I almost had a threesome as well. Whew. Now THAT was a full weekend.
   
3. Okay, I promise I'm moving on, but as another fact, how about that I've always wanted to have a threesome? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not that I think it would be that amazing. I just think that it's one of those things that it's fun to be able to say you've done at some point in your life. I almost did, once, with my ex from last year and this random slutty Asian boy who literally has the most AMAZING body I've even fucking seen in person, but then... I forget what happened. It just fell through, I guess. Whatever.
   
4. I'm done with the sex talk, I'll sound like a whore... tee hee. Anyway, how about... that I'm super flexible! I can wiggle my ears (which isn't really flexibility-related, I suppose, but it IS movement-related), I can put both my legs behind my head, I can get in the lotus position and walk across a room on my knees, and until about a year or two ago I could do something too dirty to mention even here... okay, so maybe that one was moderately more sexual than I intended, but it's not my fault!
   
5. My very favorite soda of all time is Diet Dr. Pepper. "But Sam," you say, "I thought you were morally against diet soda!" (Okay, so maybe you don't say that, but IF you did!) Well, in fact I am mostly against diet soda because of the taste. I'm sure there are people who like the taste of some diet drinks, but the only one I've ever been able to stomach (apart from the occasional Coke Zero) is Diet Dr. Pepper, the king of diet beverages. It tastes exactly like regular Dr. Pepper, which I also love, but without any of the sugar or calories! Magical. Truly magical.
   
6. I infinitely prefer iced coffee to regular coffee. Even in the dead of winter, I will almost always stick to my signature Starbucks drink, the iced triple grande vanilla nonfat latte (and yes, that is the exact way to order it at the West 4th and Washington Square East Starbucks). That said, I did get a tall nonfat no-whip peppermint mocha today, but it was freaking COLD! And come on... it's Christmas!
   
7. Christmastime is my absolute favorite time of the year. I start playing my Christmas music before Thanksgiving, and keep it playing until well after New Year's. (The only two albums anyone really needs are The Vince Guaraldi Trio's A Charlie Brown Christmas sountrack and Hanson's Snowed In, no joke.) Christmas food is the best, Christmas cheer is the best, and Christmas decorations are the best. Screw Jesus, screw Santa, it's all about the secular symbolism. And it's all about RIGHT NOW. After the fifty pages of papers I have due in the next week and a half, that is. Kudos, finals! Peace out, y'all.

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head...

Another week and a half without a post from me. Oops. It's funny, when life is too boring I don't post, because I have nothing to write about, but when my life is actually interesting (like right now), I don't post either, because I mever remember to!

Anyway, I think I've been drunk more often than I've been sober for the last four days straight. Yeah... it was that kind of weekend. Thursday was just a low-key night, sipping Mike's Hards and watching Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. Why is it that I hadn't discovered that piece of cinematic gold until a week ago? I feel like a hole in my heart that I didn't know I had has been filled in.

Friday... wow. I don't usually approve of the word "shitshow," as it's been totally overused in every freaking Facebook photo album EVER, but... well, Friday was a shitshow. It was the NYU Admissions Ambassador prom, so we pre-gamed at a friend's apartment (and "accidentally" slipped her Cavalier King Charles spaniel a little wine... oops!). Then... the prom itself was a boozefest, and then we rounded up half the gay Ambassadors and led them all to Rush, where I finally made out with two that I've had my eye on for a while. Yay accomplishments. Even more conveniently, the boy from a few weeks ago, who I also met at Rush (and who I've been trying to get rid of for a while, because a. I wasn't that into him and b. he had a cock with the dimensions of a beer can, which was NOT pleasant), happened to be there, saw me groping slash being groped by these boys, and was not happy. So... kudos me, I gave myself closure! (And if you don't know what that's a reference to, then you MUST go here IMMEDIATELY.)

Didn't go home with anyone Friday night, because I had to be up early on Saturday to catch a bus to DC with some friends. My friend in Cap-21 invited us to his family's huge, blow-out Christmas party, and it was... well, everything it had been advertised as. More drunken people of all ages than you could shake a stick at. I'd describe it more, but... well, my memory gives out at about eleven pm, and the next morning I woke up on the kitchen floor with all my clothes turned inside out and backwards. So... I think you get the picture. I wonder if I had fun? I'm thinking yes.

And then last night, as the roomie and I were watching Romy and Michelle... again, the hot friend called and wanted to hang out. So we got ourselves a few classy, classy forties of Bud and just hung out. The roomie and I had lunch with hot friend once last week, but aside from that, this was the first time hanging out since we hooked up. It didn't seem like it was going to be awkward, which was... not unexpected, but comforting, at least, and then it turned into "share secrets while Sam is in the bathroom" time, and then... well, it turns out that the hot friend "thinks he has a crush on [me]." (Like my quoting? I have essay-writing on the brain, it's finals time.)

I feel awkward sounding so surprised about the thought of him liking me. I mean, we did already hook up. It's just that he's the kind of guy who hooks up with everyone, and I thought he was pretty set on us remaining non-awkward friends. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, to be honest, he's one of the only guys I'd even think about seriously dating, and I have had a crush on him for the past... oh, YEAR, but I'd still rather have him as a friend than an awkward ex. Whateverrrr probs doesn't matter anyway. I overthink everything!

And now, having bored you with EVERYTHING I've done for the past few days, I'm off to journalism class. Ciao, bellas!